I'm not much of a mechanic either, and I'll tell you taking the plugs out is no big deal at all. all you would need is a spark plug socket and a ratchet wrench. after pulling off the plastic bits off the top of the engine you'll see the plug wells. Pull off the coil plug wires and remove the spark plugs. Then (and only then) try and start it and watch for water to shoot out of the plug wells.
it really isnt a lincoln mechanic you need, just a good one with common sense that can tell if your hydro locked, the plug removal will tell, but a mechanic can also remove the belt and try and turn the engine by hand to tell if it;s locked for sure. unfortunately I've heard of a lot of LS's that got hydrolock
If he can turn it by hand and there's no water shooting out the plug wells then maybe you have a loose wire, bad starter/alternator etc
lincoln out here charges $150 just to diagnose, factor in a possible 2 way tow and that's not cheap.
thx for the offer, but as it turns out I don't need a grill.
best of luck.