Italian Tomato Garden

MrScalia

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An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
 

Aquabrit

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:bowrofl::bowrofl::bowrofl:

That's a good one!
 

SoonerLS

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Grandpa and Roy are sitting on the porch one evening after supper, when Grandpa leans over.

"Roy," he asks, "will you help me harvest the corn next week?"

"I don't know," replies Roy, "what'll you pay me?"

"Oh, I'll pay you what you're worth."

"Well, I be danged if I'll work for that!"

-------------------------------
A blonde is at the farmer's market when she comes across this old farmer with a stand full of the biggest, reddest tomatoes she's ever seen.

"Excuse me, sir," she says, "but I'm an amateur gardener, and I was just wondering, how you get your tomatoes to grow so big and red?"

"Well," the old man says, "to get them termaters to grow like this, I moon 'em." (By which he meant he planted them according to the phases of the moon.)

The blonde thanks him, then goes on about her business. The advice seemed kind of silly, but she mooned the garden. Every night. Without fail.

A few weeks later, she's back at the farmer's market, and she stops by the same farmer's stand. Being a rather attractive young lady, he remembers her and asks, "Did you take my advice?"

"Yes, I did."

"And do you have big, red termaters?"

"No, but I do have the biggest cucumbers you ever saw!"
 

SoonerLS

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Stolen mercilessly from Jerry Clower:

A farmer was sitting out on the back porch with his wife, talking about how they needed to buy a new bull, to get some new blood into their herd.

The old bulls are standing up at the barn, and they overhear this.

"Y'know, I've been here nigh on t' twenty years," he says to the other bulls, "I've earned my spot as the top bull here. They's only fifty cows in this herd, and thirty of 'em are mine. I don't b'lieve I'll be sharin' any of mine with this new bull."

The second bull snorts. "I've only been here five years, but I've earned my position too. Fifteen of those cows are mine, and I don't b'lieve I'll be sharin' any of them, either."

The third bull says, "I've only been here about six months, and there ain't but about five cows what even likes me, so I don't b'lieve I'll be sharin' with him, neither."

A couple of days later, the bulls are all up at the barn again when this big semi pulls up the driveway hauling this long silver cattle trailer. They can see that it's haulin' a load, 'cause they can hear that big Cat whine, and the stacks are blowing thick black smoke. When it finally gets to the gate, the back end of the trailer falls down with a mighty WHOMP! to form a ramp, and down walks the biggest, nastiest Braymer bull this side of the Mississippi. He's so big the ground shakes when he walks, and he doesn't have to look through the fence to see the cows, 'cause he can see clean over it. When he sees all the cows in the field, he lets out a mighty beller that shakes the rafters in the barn

"Y'know," The first bull says, "I've been thinkin' 'bout this, and I've come to the c'nclusion that my attitude jus hain't been right 'bout this. I do b'lieve I'll share some of my cows with th' new feller, aft'r all."

The second bull nods, "y'know, I think yer right. I do b'lieve I'll be a mite more givin', too."

The third bull comes storming around the corner of the barn, just a-snortin' and a-pawin' the ground. He shakes his head back and forth, slingin' snot and slobbers everywhere, and the hair on the back of his neck just bristles like he's ready to fight.

The first bull looks at him and asks, "Are you crazy? D'y'all want that new feller t' kill you?"

"Shoot, no!" the third bull replies, "I jus want t' make shore what he knows I'm a BULL!"
 

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