Redneck Etiquette - DRIVING ETIQUETTE
o Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
o When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
o Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
o When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
o Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
o Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
o Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
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Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
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A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
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Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
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If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
o Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
o Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
o Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
o Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
o When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
o A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
o For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
o Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
o Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
o Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
o It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
o Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
o The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
o Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?
o Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
o When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
o Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
o When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
o Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
o Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
o Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
DINING OUT
*
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.
Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
*
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
*
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
*
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.
DATING (Outside the Family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
THEATER ETIQUETTE
o Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
o Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
o Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
o Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
o When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
o A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also aproven fly deterrent.
o For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS
o Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
o Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
o Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
o It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
o Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
o The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
o Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
Ya'll Come Back Now, Ya hear?
