* I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I
learned that most people die of natural causes.
· * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to
make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable
plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.
· * The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
· * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
alive anyway.
· * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick
and the dead.
· * Life is sexually transmitted.
· * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
· * The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
· * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
you see one tumble down the stairs.
· * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· * Have you noticed since everyone has a
camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs
like they used to?
· * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· * All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.
· * How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a
campfire?
· * Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
and drink whatever comes out?"
· * Who was the first person to say, "See that
chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes
outta its butt."
· * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
· * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?
· * Why do people point to their wrist when asking
for the time, but don't point to their crotch when
they ask where the bathroom is?
· * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
· * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· * If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?
· * Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?
· * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him
on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· * Does pushing the elevator button more than
once make it arrive faster?
· * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
learned that most people die of natural causes.
· * Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to
make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable
plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground
easily, it is a valuable plant.
· * The easiest way to find something lost around
the house is to buy a replacement.
· * Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out
alive anyway.
· * There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick
and the dead.
· * Life is sexually transmitted.
· * Health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
· * The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
· * Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good
for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
you see one tumble down the stairs.
· * Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· * Have you noticed since everyone has a
camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs
like they used to?
· * Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· * All of us could take a lesson from the
weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· * In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac
to make it normal.
· * How is it one careless match can start a
forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a
campfire?
· * Who was the first person to look at a cow and
say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here,
and drink whatever comes out?"
· * Who was the first person to say, "See that
chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes
outta its butt."
· * Why is there a light in the fridge and not in
the freezer?
· * If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is
there a song about him?
· * Why do people point to their wrist when asking
for the time, but don't point to their crotch when
they ask where the bathroom is?
· * Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
· * If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· * If electricity comes from electrons, does
morality come from morons?
· * Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?
· * Did you ever notice that when you blow in a
dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him
on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· * Does pushing the elevator button more than
once make it arrive faster?
· * Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the
bottle?
