1wykdmk8
LvC Dues Collector
The 5 questions most feared by men are:
1 What are you thinking about?
2 Do you love me?
3 Do I look fat?
4 Do you think she is prettier than me?
5 What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,? tells
the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a Football.
b Golf.
c How fat you are.
d How much prettier she is than you
e How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a Oh, yeah, crap-loads.
b Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c That depends on what you mean by love.
d Does it matter?
e Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a Compared to what?
b I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c A little extra weight looks good on you.
d I've seen fatter.
e Sorry what did you say?? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a Yes, but you have a better personality
b Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d Define pretty
e Sorry what did you say?? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shot.
1 What are you thinking about?
2 Do you love me?
3 Do I look fat?
4 Do you think she is prettier than me?
5 What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,? tells
the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a Football.
b Golf.
c How fat you are.
d How much prettier she is than you
e How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who
once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be
talking to you"
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in
order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a Oh, yeah, crap-loads.
b Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c That depends on what you mean by love.
d Does it matter?
e Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a Compared to what?
b I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c A little extra weight looks good on you.
d I've seen fatter.
e Sorry what did you say?? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a Yes, but you have a better personality
b Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d Define pretty
e Sorry what did you say?? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shot.
