Pres. Bill and Hillary are at a Yankees home game, sitting in the first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of the Secret Service guys leans forward and whispers something to Bill . At first, Clinton stares at the guy, looks at Hillary, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head "no." The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request of the entire team, from the owner of the team to the bat boy." Bill hesitates... but begins to change his mind when the agent tells him the fans would love it! Bill shrugs his shoulders and says, "Ho-Kay! If that is what the people want. C'mere Hilly baby.." With that, Bill gets up, grabs Hillary by her collar and the seat of her pants, lifts her up, and tosses her right over the wall onto the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, screaming, " Bill you !^$ #@&!" The crowd goes absolutely wild. Fans are jumping up and down, cheering, hooting and hollering, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing, smiling and waving to the crowd. He leans over to the agent and says, "How about that! I would have never believed how much everyone would enjoy that!" Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, he asks what is wrong. The agent replies, "Sir, I said they wanted you to throw out the first Pitch!"
Funny Jokes Thread
- Thread starter pepperman
- Start date
Beautiful! Here's another.
Bill and the Pope die on the same day, and by some cosmic error are sent to the wrong places - Bill to heaven, the Pope to hell.
Upon his arrival, the Pope explains to Satan that there must be some mistake and he doesn't belong there. After checking through some paperwork, Satan says "You're right, but we won't be able to fix this until tomorrow so you'll have to spend the night here." With a sigh, the Pope agrees, figuring the eternity he would spend in heaven is worth waiting one night in hell for.
The next morning, the Pope and Bill cross paths on their way to their proper eternal homes. The Pope asks Bill about heaven, to which Bill responds "Oh, it's wonderful with the streets of gold, and pearly gates, and everyone's really happy there! I wonder though, even with all its greatness, why did you spend your entire earthly life in servitude to get there?"
The Pope replies with a long list of Biblical characters he's been wanting to meet and talk to, including the Disciples, Moses, King David, Jesus, and many others. He finishes by saying "...and I've always wanted to see the Virgin Mary".
Bill looks around for a second before whispering in the Pope's ear:
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're just one night too late."
Bill and the Pope die on the same day, and by some cosmic error are sent to the wrong places - Bill to heaven, the Pope to hell.
Upon his arrival, the Pope explains to Satan that there must be some mistake and he doesn't belong there. After checking through some paperwork, Satan says "You're right, but we won't be able to fix this until tomorrow so you'll have to spend the night here." With a sigh, the Pope agrees, figuring the eternity he would spend in heaven is worth waiting one night in hell for.
The next morning, the Pope and Bill cross paths on their way to their proper eternal homes. The Pope asks Bill about heaven, to which Bill responds "Oh, it's wonderful with the streets of gold, and pearly gates, and everyone's really happy there! I wonder though, even with all its greatness, why did you spend your entire earthly life in servitude to get there?"
The Pope replies with a long list of Biblical characters he's been wanting to meet and talk to, including the Disciples, Moses, King David, Jesus, and many others. He finishes by saying "...and I've always wanted to see the Virgin Mary".
Bill looks around for a second before whispering in the Pope's ear:
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you're just one night too late."
daves2000ls
Dedicated LVC Member
Thats a good one. Here's one that's not so good.
Q: What's funnier than a dumpster full of dead babies?
A: One live baby eating it's way out.
Sorry ya'll, my roommate told me that one last night.
Q: What's funnier than a dumpster full of dead babies?
A: One live baby eating it's way out.
Sorry ya'll, my roommate told me that one last night.
The Center of Disease Control has Issued a Medical alert
Please read this - important
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via
any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and
purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer
Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take
the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
Please read this - important
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly
contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by
hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you
receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via
any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave
the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and
purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer
Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take
the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If
you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag.
He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. "I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scum bag.
He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk."
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us"
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texan are all working together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about th is wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ."
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come in our precious land."
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Texan says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about th is wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable."
The Texan sits down, cracks a beer, smiles, and says, "Fill it with water."
Take heed...
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
rickztahone
Dedicated LVC Member
any more Pepperman?
Blenderhead
Well-Known LVC Member
The version I heard was:
What's worse than 5 dead babies in a dumpster?
One dead baby in 5 dumpsters!
Ok, so they decide to build a new memorial in Washington DC, and once they have an idea what they want, they go through all the best contractors in the country to try to figure out who to give the contract to. Finally they narrow it down to 3 guys, one from Chicago, one from LA, and one from NY. Each of them gets brought in one at a time and interviewed. First the guy from Chicago comes in
-How much to build the memorial?
-$30 million.
-Well how is the money going to be spent?
-$10 mil for the materials, $10 mil for the men, and $10 mil for me.
-OK, wait in the next room.
Next comes the guy from LA.
-How much to build the memorial?
-$60 million.
-How is that money going to be spent?
-$20 mil for the materials, $20 mil for the men, and $20 mil for me.
-OK, wait in the next room.
Next comes the guy from NY.
-How much to build the memorial?
-$90 million
-How is that money going to be spent?
-Well...$30 mil for me...$30 mil for you...and I'm going to hire the guy from chicago.
What's the difference between a used car salesman and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scavenger, and the other is a fish.
An oldie but a goodie
Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the man behind the counter a piece of wood and 2 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
A man gets pulled over for speeding. The cop comes up to the window.
-License and registration please
-Oh I don't have a license
-And is the vehicle registered?
-I don't know, I stole this car
-How did you steal the car?
-Well I strangled the woman who was driving it, and stuffed her body in the trunk
-Sir I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle
-Well I have a bomb wired so that as soon as the door opens, this whole car will explode.
At this point the cop calls for backup. The police chief arrives, and cautiously approaches the vehicle.
-Sir, whose car is this?
-Its my car. Here is my license and registration.
-Do you have any weapons in the car?
-No sir.
-Can you step out of the vehicle for me?
-Sure. (He gets out of the car)
-Can you open your trunk for me?
-Sure. (He opens the trunk, and everything is clean with no body and nothing out of the ordinary)
-Sir, my officer told me that you claimed to have stolen this car, killed the owner, stuffed her body in the trunk, and then he said you claimed to have a bomb in the vehicle. What do you have to say about that?
The driver starts laughing uncontrollably, and in the middle of laughing, manages to say "That's a good one officer. I'll bet he said I was speeding too!"
The Rev
Dedicated LVC Member
Q: Why didnt the witch wear panties?
A: To get a better grip on the broom.
A: To get a better grip on the broom.