Things that Hallmark cards don't say:

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My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it ...

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have

someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

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Imust admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

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Congratulations on your promotion

Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only inTennessee, Kentucky& Arkansas)

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

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So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay.

i just wrote all of those down, i have an office party to attend!!!